I have been holding on to this story for a while now and
I wasn't sure I would ever want to share it with more than
just immediate family.
However this event was a turning point in my life and my
families life. What I am about to share is very dear to my
heart and I hope it can be inspiring to you as well.
Dulce was in the NICU for exactly 7 days and it was
like any other day. Greg and I were visiting Dulce.
The Doctor wanted to go over a ct scan with us.
So we went to their computer desk which was
about 15-20 feet away from Dulce's isolette.
The doc then started to show us the scans and was
telling us about what everything was.
I was in a particularly good mood and I was just
thinking this was standard for the doc to go over this
with us. Though I had no idea this was about to get
very serious very quick.
The doc then said that Dulce had a build up of fluid in
her ventricles and they were abnormally large and misshapen.
I was not understanding anything because they looked small to me.
You must understand I had never seen a ct scan on a brain before
so everything looked fine to me.
I asked for them to show me a normal scan so I could see the difference.
It was quite a shock for me to see how small it was supposed to be.
Dulce's was about 5 or 6 times bigger than it should be.
At this point I was worried, but calm.
Well that changed when the doc then said that they believed that
the build up of fluid was due to a brain bleed she had.
The doc had explained the different levels/grades of bleed.
Grade 1 was mild, Grade 2 a little worse, Grade 3 was moderate
Grade 4 was the max.
She then told us that Dulce had a grade 4 bilateral (both sides).
At that moment I felt the weight and seriousness of the situation.
It felt like the room went quiet and like I was the only one in
room. It was all in slow motion. I did not hear a word the doc
said after Grade 4. I remember having a blank stare and my mind
going a million miles a minute. I got up from my chair before the doc
was even close to being done explaining everything and I walked over
to Dulce's isolette and sat down.
I knew I could not stay there by the Doctor and Greg talking about
this. I had never felt so low in my life and I needed to be next to my
angel. I needed to feel numb I needed to find a way to breath.
I knew if I went next to Dulcinha I wouldn't cry, I would make
myself numb to all the feelings that were trying to fill my soul.
It was too much pain to bear at that time.
I was just watching Dulce thinking she went through this and we
didn't even know and we didn't know how to help her.
I felt sad for my little girl having this happen when she
was so fragile and little.
I wanted to hold her so much, I wanted to have her in
my arms and let her know it was all going to be ok
even if I didn't believe it at the time.
I just stared at her for the longest time. Trying to find
peace. That seat was magical, I found peace there, I
found happiness, I was carried, held, and loved.
I never wanted to leave her side and I didn't want
her to leave mine.
When Greg came back I told him I didn't want to talk.
We were quiet most of the day. I cried the whole way
home and many more times at home.
The next day another doctor wanted to speak to us.
So we got there early and went to meet them at the
Parents room. To our surprise there was a full room
of doctors. They all seemed to have a sympathetic
feel to them from the way they looked at us.
We sat at the center of the circle. The doc then started
talking about the brain bleed and what it meant and how
it would affect her life.
They told us she would be severely disabled, and that there
was a chance she would
not walk, talk, hear, or see.
He also said they did not know if she would have all these
problems, but she was at a higher risk, but that for sure
she would have disabilities.
He then said that in situations like these we have the option
to turn off life support. He also said we could take some
time to decide.
Immediately blood rushed to head and I was furious.
To think that it would be ok to turn off life support on
my little girl.
I didn't care at the time if it was his job to tell me I
just took serious offense to even the thought of
doing that.
I didn't even look at Greg, I didn't ask him what he wanted
honestly I didn't care because there was only one choice
I could live with. I leaned forward in my chair and stared
straight into the docs eyes and said.
"I don't need time, I know exactly what I want you
to do. You will do everything you can to keep my
little girl alive. She is fighting for her life out there
and I am not giving up on her. I don't care about the
consequences."
I said a few more things because I was so mad for
them even suggesting such a thing, but the point is
that we chose this life, we chose her, we chose.
I know we did the absolute right thing.
I don't believe it is my right to decide when some dies
god does that. I am not god and I knew if god wanted
her he would take her. For me it was a matter of giving
up on her and I wasn't about to do that.
I think it was special and important for us
to go through because we could have backed out
we could have decided right then and there if we
couldn't and wouldn't want to live that life.
I know it empowered me to have been able
to choose this.
When things get hard even until today I remind
myself "I CHOSE". I would choose her all over
again. She is my little girl and I will never give up
on her.
