First hold

Dulce was three weeks old and still so fragile,

but by this time I had pretty much given up on

the idea of holding her in my arms ever.

I had to try and come to terms every time the

desire came to me. It felt so unfair.

I would watch as the other mothers got to hold

their babies and I so longed to have contact with

Dulce. The days seemed so long sometimes because

I could not have the embrace I was yearning for.

I kept wondering what she would feel like.

Would I feel her weight or a bunch of blankets

which is what I kept hearing from people.

It seemed like I was so aware all of a sudden of

mothers holding their babies and specially

pregnant women and I must say it was quite

annoying because I just wanted to ignore them,

but it seemed like they would appear out of nowhere.

I swear I could spot a prego a mile away.

I longed for the months I missed and it was also a way of

holding my baby, a way of protecting her, but it was not

ever going to happen.

One day the nurses started to mention doing some

skin to skin. I had heard all about this from day one

in the NICU, but the very words that followed were,

but she is too fragile still. So as I heard this I was

waiting for the but...

Instead they said if she was having a good day with

no events and if she seemed stable I could hold her.

The nurse had told me we could check every morning.

So that's what I did. I would call and see how her night

was and if today was the day.

After a few yes's that quickly turned into no's due to

some event of the day. My day had finally come!

Dulce was having a good day and I tried to prepare the

best I could like taking a shower right before my visit

and putting nice fresh clothes on. I also invited my mom

to come share in this special moment since Greg had to work.

My mom was also going to record our first embrace.

So I got to the hospital and I was so anxious and READY!

I put on a hospital gown and I sat in a rocking chair right

next to Dulce's isolette.

It was quite the ordeal to move Dulce because of all the

cords and off course the ventilator and Iv's.

The nurse finally handed Dulce to me and I just felt

like I was holding blankets because she was so light

and also because she was really bundled.

It was so nice to be so close to her.

The position wasn't quite right and I couldn't

adjust her due to the ventilator so I couldn't

explore her features like I wanted too.

She was face down on my chest.

While I was holding her the nurse was telling

me how some babies relax in their mother's

arms and that could potentially be dangerous.

Well a minute after she had told me this.

Dulce started to desat and she had a serious

apnea and bradycardic spell. The nurse had to try

and resuscitate Dulce right there in my arms

because it would take too long to move her since

they had pinned all tubing on my gown.

I sat there helpless trying not to move so I wouldn't

make things more difficult for the nurses.

So my little girl got on my lap for the very first time

and she relaxed. Too relaxed that it threatened her

life.

Meanwhile my mom was recording this from the

beginning and as things went downhill she didn't

know what to do so she kept recording.

The nurse just kept on working to get Dulce's

levels to come back up. I remember seeing

panic in the nurse's eyes and she kept repeating

"Come on Dulce, come on Dulce".

I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking

"please don't let this little girl die in her mom's arms

right after the first time she ever held her"

It was so clear as if she was saying it out loud.

I was worried, but calm. I had a feeling she was

not going to die so I held on to that and tried to

calm my breathing and heart rate to try and help

her in some way. Because I had heard that they will

try to mimic your breathing. That was the extent of

what I could do.

Finally Dulce stabilized and we were able to move her

to the isolette again. So that was my first time holding

my precious Dulce. Not at all what I expected.

My little girl almost died in my arms and I don't believe

I will ever be able to forget that experience.

No matter how scary that was I also LOVED the short

period I had her so close to me. I knew as well if something

bad had happened during that episode I was glad she was in

my arms where she belonged.

The other times I held Dulce she did just fine.

I tried to watch the video of the first time and

I was able to watch only a minute before I realized

I did not want to remember that in so much detail.

I was never able to watch the whole video.

Breakdown

Everyday I visited Dulce at the NICU

was difficult. She had so many complications

from the very first day until the end.

I got call from the hospital on a daily basis.

You would think that would be a good

thing, but they only called when there was

something bad happening. It was always

something like she needs another blood

transfusion or we tried to take her off the

breathing machines and she did horrible

so we had to put her back on.

Every time I was with Dulce it was like

most of the weight of my shoulders were

being lifted and I felt happy, truly happy

to be with her. It seemed like her spirit

would just wrap around me like a warm

blanket. Even going to the parents lounge

or the bathroom was hard because I wanted

to stay glued by her.

I made sure to never be upset when I was

at her bedside to make sure she didn't feel

my sadness. If I needed to cry I would go to

the parent's lounge. I had to hold in a lot of

feelings I had as the Doctors would tell me

something new was wrong with her.

So the breakdowns started from day one

pretty much. This is how it went I would

feel fine while I was with Dulce, but the

second I left the NICU this overpowering

sadness went over me and I would start

to realize that I would not see her for a

few hours and that killed me.

The drive home was the worst because

I would just breakdown and cry all

the way home. Most of the time I would

have to pull over because I couldn't see

the road anymore. It felt like I could not

be whole without being with Dulcinha.

When I was home I just felt like a portion

of myself was dead and I was not myself.

It changed me and the change was permanent.

Like sometimes I thought that kind of pain

could kill someone and nope I was still alive

and well. There were times I thought

"How can this much agony not kill me?"

I had to try to be happy for my family and

friends, but I never really shared my

true sadness and despair of what I was

going through. The couple of times I

tried it ended up making the person

start crying and honestly I could barely

comfort myself let alone comfort others.

So that didn't help me much and it just

aggravated me.

I also had to not share too much with my

hubbie too because he was going through

a lot we were handling it so differently.

So I kept most things to myself and always

tried to put a smile on my face even when I

felt like crying and being alone.

I knew only Dulcinha could make me feel

better so I decided after a little while

and because time would permit that I

stay with Dulce for 12 hours a day.

She was my comforter and I felt like

it was all I could do for her was to be

there.

NICU days....

As I entered the NICU for the very first

time I noticed it was so different from any

place I had ever been. I entered directly

into a room for us to scrub in. The staff

was very specific about how to wash our

hands and clean under our nails and not

to pick up our purses or coats after we

washed up.

I found it strange and did not

understand why we had to do all that...

now that makes me laugh because of how

picky I've become with hand washing and

keeping things clean for Dulce. I know it

has a lot to do with everything we learned there.

As I entered the main part of the NICU it

was full of isolettes with nurses and mothers

at the bedside. All isolettes had beautiful blankets

on top. The silence and peaceful setting they

were trying to achieve was very clear.

Dulce's isolette was located at very end of the room

the furthest from the door. Later I found out

that the closer you were to the door meant the

closest you were to leaving the NICU. So Dulce

was one of the most critical patients there at

the time.

When I saw Dulce I did not recognize her

she looked so different from our short

introduction we had the previous day.

She looked swollen from all the fluids

they were pumping into her.

I kept looking at Dulce thinking how I felt

no connection to her. She didn't feel

like she was mine. I thought there

would be an instant connection when

I saw her again, but It felt like I was

visiting a complete stranger.

I could not get passed the feeling that

she was ripped from me and there was

no bonding time when she was delivered.

There was no holding, kissing, and nursing.

The things I thought I would do when I had

my baby.

I struggled to connect with Dulce.

I wanted so badly to just hold her and kiss

her and find a way to bond, but as I sat next

to her all I could really do was to look at her.

The nurse had told me that we could not touch

her very much or talk to her because too much

stimulation would change the results of the

blood tests they did every couple of hours.

It was horrible to hear that I could not touch

my own little baby... It was hard to swallow

all they asked of me, but I understood and

did what they asked.

One very important thing I noticed was

how I could feel Dulce's spirit. It was so

strong and there was no mistake that

inside that little body was a fighter.

I had no idea how much of a fighter

she would be... how she would fight

for each breath, each day, each minute

of her NICU days. She taught me what

it is like to fight for your own life and

how precious life is.

To be continued......