Very Special Pictures

The following pictures are from right

after Dulce's birth and the first time

I saw her and got to touch my little

angel. I have given a full description

of this encounter in my previous posts

and thought it would be nice to show

you the few photos we have of those

very special moments.

A few minutes after giving birth to Dulce. I was

anxiously waiting to meet my little girl.

Daddy's first good look at Dulce

Our first touch......

Touching her little foot. The first sign of life I was

able to notice because she wiggled her toes.

The most I saw of my little girl

Just trying to sort out this moment...

Our First Family Picture

Dulce being taken to LDS Hospital

Last but not least is the picture I carried

with me everyday to have her near me and so

I could see her anytime I wanted.

Dulce was about a week old in this pic.

It was the only thing I had of hers and

I treasured this so much.

A hard subject...

Every now and then sad thoughts

enter my mind and I can't make them

go away. Unfortunately they need to

play themselves out and I must face

them each time before I can move

on.

So today I will share my biggest

fear with you. The thing I fear on a

daily basis... the thing I fear every

time my little Dulce gets sick, every

time I am not with her, every time

I am left with my thoughts.

I am soooo scared to loose my little

girl. The feeling is so real that

it stops me from putting one foot

in front of the other. The only thing

that I find myself doing is cuddling

with her...

One thing you must understand is

that when you have seen your little

girl looking lifeless too many times

to count and at death's door. It

makes you wonder how you would

even be able to live after something

like that.

Our life might be difficult and full

of trials, but the thing to understand

is that Dulce is going through the

rough part and we are just suffering

right beside her. If she can find a

reason to smile among these difficult

times then I will try to find one too.

I have never met anyone so fragile

and yet strong in my life. I would like

to share the fact that I love my little

girl and all the hard days, months,

years we might have it will never

compare to when she is not with me.

I feel so privileged to be Dulce's mom.

I will always take care of her and show

how much I love my little girl. I would

never switch my trials for anyone else.

Dulce to me is my little life saver. She

saves me when she lets me love her.

FLASHBACK : My first glimpse of Dulce

October 14, 2010

Continuation from my first flashback.

Right after we picked a name for our little

girl. Greg decided to follow the docs and

see how our little girl was doing. During that

time I had noticed that Caroline my sister had

arrived right when Dulce was born. So there I

was with Caroline and my mom in the room just

waiting and trying to sort out what had just

happened.

Caroline went to the gift shop and bought a

disposable camera because we were not

prepared for this at all. I am so grateful she

did or else we would not have had any pictures

of this moment in our lives.

Greg was gone for a while and I started to have

some time to think of what should happen next.

So I went into "Numb Mode" it was the first of

many times I would have to go into this world

where I could deal with the situation on hand

and then deal with my feelings later.

So I decided to take this very special moment

and be happy that I just had my little girl and

I wanted to share it with my family and loved

ones. I started to make several phone calls.

The first was to my work to let them know I

would need my maternity leave now. The second

was to family members. I tried calling a few people,

but could not get a hold of most.

The person I remember talking to was Flavio my cousin.

The reason why I remembered this one in particular

was because I could tell he was surprised, but at the

same time shocked and he didn't know if he should be happy

for me or not. It was very confusing for all of us. That was

when I realized that this might confuse a lot of people

and I didn't even know how to explain it myself.

I also realized that people would be visiting me at the

hospital and I would have no baby to show. I could tell

it was going to be a hard day indeed.

My first visitors were my brother Davi and one of my

sister's friend Michelle. I am glad that they came

because it let me adjust to having visitors and to

figure out what I was going to say.

We took a few pictures and anxiously waited for them

to move me to my postpartum room where was told I would

get to see my little girl before she was transported to

LDS Hospital.

As I was getting wheeled out in the hallway the nurse

had told me that I would meet my baby in front of my

room. I really started to get nervous as we made the

slowest trip ever..... to meet my Dulce.

When we turned the corner and I saw her incubator I just

wanted to run to her. The nurse pushed my hospital bed

right next to Dulce. I cannot describe what I had felt seeing

her for the first time. So I will try to describe what I saw.

She was covered and surrounded by tubes. She was intubated,

had at least two IV's going. She had a little hat that was covering

most of her face to protect her eyes from the lights.

Dulce's skin was so thin that I could see all her veins. It was

paper thin. She looked so fragile I was scared to touch her, but

that would never stop me off course. So I asked the nurses if

I could touch my little Dulce. I first touched her little hand. It was sticky because it was not all the way developed. I must

say it made me sad because she was completely sedated and

she was showing no signs of being awake. She seemed lifeless.

This is not the first impression anyone should have about their

baby, but there it was.

So I go and touch her little tiny foot. I felt a roll of relief

that went through my whole body because she moved her

foot like it had tickled and she wiggled her toes and there

it was the sign of life I was looking for. I was looking for

anything, anything at all that would show me she was in

there somewhere. My little kicker.

I took my hands out of the incubator and just stared at her.

I was really trying to connect the fact that this was my

daughter. Caroline took several pictures during these

moments and I am so grateful she did. We even got our

first family picture together.

I had alerted the nurses that we needed to bless Dulce

before she left. So we wheeled her into my room so

Greg (hubbie) and Davi (my brother) could give her a

blessing. I knew this needed to be done and I can't

remember one word that was said. I was just glad

to have spent a few more seconds with her.

FLASHBACK: Wheelchair

Octorber 13, 2010

It was 2007 and Dulce was two years old.

She was just a little thing back then and we were trying to

live our lives as normally as we could. We had never thought

of adaptive equipment for our Dulce because she fit all of

the regular things you needed for a little girl, but we knew

pretty soon we would need something that would better

fit Dulce's needs.

Dulce's Occupational Therapist had brought up the fact that

it might be in our best interest to start looking into a wheelchair.

I had thought about this a couple of times and just kept trying

not to think about it and just enjoy our life the way it was.

At that time we were using a stroller for most of our needs

when we left the house. To go to places like, Doctor's

appointments and grocery stores, restaurants, and family

get together's. It was starting to get difficult to find strollers

and car seats that would recline far enough.

So without really thinking about it much I just met with

Dulce's rehab doctor and came up with the best kind of

wheelchair at which time the representative from

Praxair (medical supply store) came to our home to

measure Dulce and get all the necessary attachments

ordered.

I was told this process might take several months. So I

just relaxed and tried to go back to our routine of things

and had completely forgotten about this big BIG change

that was about to happen.

I received a phone call a few months later saying that

the wheelchair was ready and they needed to adjust

everything to her needs. So I set up an appointment and

we waited for our chair to arrive.

The day had finally come...

I was doing fine until they pulled up in front of our house.

I remember watching Courtney (Praxair rep) taking the

wheelchair out of the van. It seemed like a lifetime had

gone by while she was removing each piece from her car.

So much time in fact that so many thoughts were running

through my head. It had finally sunk in. My little girl

was going to NEED a wheelchair. Not just for today, a few

months, a few years, but FOREVER! I did not realize how

much it would hurt to finally understand. This too would

be a part of our lives.

I stood at the window just starring at Courtney....

I was so sad that there were no tears. I was dry.

Dry from all the other things I had cried about in

the past. I realized that there was nothing I could

do to change this.

I tried to think of the positive aspect of this change, but

nothing was of too much consolation.

I remember thinking maybe just maybe people

will stop asking if we needed a high chair when we went

to a restaurant! By the way they didn't. Most of the time

I just stare at them like "Are you kidding me???"

but I digress. I still remember that day just like it was

yesterday.

We have had that wheelchair now for 3 years and it has

been a blessing! Dulce has grown so much during this time

that there is no way that anything would fit her now and

be able to adapt to all her needs. So even though it was a

sad beginning I know it was a blessing in disguise because

I could not recognize the blessing inside this hot pink

wheelchair.

These past few days...

These past few days have been so hard

and they trully remind me how fragile

Dulcinha is. Dulce has pneumonia right

now and is having a hard time recovering

due to her Chronic Lung Disease.

Sunday night she started to desat or in

other words her oxygen levels were

going down. She required supplemental

oxygen for the first time in months and

this is usually not a good sign.

I sat and watched her until four' o clock

in the morning to make sure she would

be okay. I did everything in my power

to make her comfortable as well as

safe.

Throughout this whole time

I was thinking of what I needed to

pack and what equipment I would

need to bring as well as supplies in

case we were admitted. I knew

this could make a bad turn very fast.

I knew I might have to call the

paramedics if things got beyond my

control. I was so stressed and at

the same time worrying about

my little girl and what might be wrong.

I have recently learned how to listen to

her lungs and I was practicing to see

if any of the red flags would come up.

I must have listened to her for 10

minutes and just being glad I could

hear the oxygen moving through her

lungs. It was sort of a relief to hear

her breathing that I didn't want to

stop.

Everytime Dulce gets sick I go on

nurse mode. I don't have a license

or anything, but I have learned so

much over the years that I really

do feel like one most of the time.

I am constantly thinking of what I

need to do next and I think about

meds and charting what is going

on as well as her sats. All sorts of

nurse mumbo jumbo.

All these things reassure me that

I am doing the right thing. As

it has been proven to have

kept her alive until now.

So I stick to what I know and rely on

the Lord for the rest.

She did well that night and I finally

went to bed after she no longer needed

oxygen.

A few days later and a doc appt and

emergency room visit later she was

doing better. Dulce received a lot

of medications for her lungs to

maximize her breathing efforts.

She is a lot better and just so happy

to be home. You might not think

someone can smile in a bad cituation,

but you would be proven wrong by

Dulcinha everytime.

She amazes me how quickly her spirits

are lifted and how she can rise above

the problem and show her sweet disposition.

As I watch her recover from this it just

reminds me how she has been fighting

for her lifefrom day one and has never stopped.

She loves life and everytime we think

it's too much for such a little girl.

She shows us how strong her spirit is

and how she yearns to live.

My first flashback

One Flaw In Women Author Unknown By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands." The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days." The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?", asked the angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate." The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." "That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride." The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing." And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. However, If There Is One Flaw In Women, It Is That They Forget Their Worth. October 7th 2010 While I was listening to the song from Christina Perri "Jar of Hearts" I ran into this poem and as I was reading and pondering about my own life experiences. I found myself so full of emotion and ready to have all my problems just pour out of me. It can be so hard to share all my thoughts and feelings since it is so up and down all the time. While my daughter lived in the NICU I was told it was going to be like a rollercoaster, but I had no idea my whole life from that day on would be a rollercoaster. I feel like I have so much to say, share, and give a of myself. so I have decided to share everything. Whether anyone reads this or not it is solely for my own gain to share with everyone and no one. I have tried to share before and I can tell by the listener's face that I have filled them with too much sadness. Therefore I stop so I won't overload anyone else, but how long must I go on without being able to share my true feelings about Dulcinha my little angel from heaven and our daily struggles to keep her healthy and ALIVE. So I want to write about the fight for her life. I want to write about each flash back of the first days with her along with current situations. My first flashback is when I was woken up with a pain I did not recognize It was August 29th 2005 at 7 AM. A day I will remember for the rest of my life. I was 27 weeks and 3 days gestation. With no complications to my pregnancy from day one and everything going perfect. I had no about this being something wrong with the baby. We were expecting a little girl. My first baby and it was such an exciting time for my husband and I. So as I lay in bed with pain my husband was laying next to me and wondered whether I should wake him up. I waited a few minutes to see if the pain would go away and trying to think what I could have done the night prior to have brought on this pain. After I woke my husband and called my mom I decided to go to the Cottonwood Hospital. When we arrived I was in quite bit of pain. We checked in and went to an examining room. All the nurses were calm and acted like this was no big deal so we tried to be calm also. One of the nurses hooked me up to a monitor to see if I was contracting. It showed that I was not and that she would page our doc to check me out. As Greg, my mom and I waited we thought it must not be a big deal and whatever it was it would be simple to fix. When my doc came in the room and checked my cervix. The shocked look on his face told us our worse fears had just come true. I could tell the doctor was trying to gather himself to try and explain what would happen. He told us at that time that I was dilated to 9 centimeters and the baby was coming and that they did not have the capacity care for our child at that hospital and they would have to page a team from LDS Hospital to come help. So we would have to wait for about 45 minutes. As the doc left the room I was still in shock and not sure how to feel. I remember looking at Greg with his head on my shoulder and his arms around me. I could tell he was devastated. I had no idea what to feel and I remember thinking "This is supposed to be my day, how can I be sad when this is my special moment" Those 45 minutes flew by as nurses ran all around me to prepare me for a emergency delivery. It seemed like everything was in slow motion. I couldn't even see Greg or my mom in the room because there were so many people surrounding me. Finally it was time to start pushing. I pushed exactly 3 times and my little girl had made her entrance into this world. All I saw was a grey little body that looked lifeless being whisked away. She was quickly placed on a warmer and docs and nurses swormed her and I couldn't see anything and they would not tell me what was going on. She was in my room for a few minutes while they resuscitated her. She was moved out of there just as fast as she came in it. When she left the room it felt like the plug of my emotions had just popped off. As my eyes filled with tears I just felt like my little girl, my little buddy, my little companion for six months was just ripped right from me and I didn't even see her face. All the months of wondering what she would look like. Would she have my nose? Would she look like her daddy? Would she love me? How could she have left already and I didn't even see what she looked like. My little girl... I realized we had not picked out a name and it was the only thing we could do. So I asked "Can I please name her Dulce after my mom?" his answer was "Only if I can pick her middle name Merinda after my favorite grandma." So there is was, we had named our little angel. A little angel had come down from Heaven and had not lost her tittle. Yesterday, today and tomorrow an angel forever.